nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
