I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
