I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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