I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
