just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Of course I have a pirate flag
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
