Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
its not stalking. its research.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
