I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just had sex on a roof
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
