then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
