So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
