You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize