i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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