Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
