someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
