i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
