you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
