Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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