so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
