3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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