this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
