having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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