Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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