Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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