If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
