can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
