dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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