Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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