well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
