I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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