I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize