This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Is it because I queefed?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
