I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
