i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
