WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
