I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
