oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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