You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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