you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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