Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize