I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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