Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize