Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
