Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
