I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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