This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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