she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
