I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize