U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
