saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize