If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just threw up on my dentist
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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