dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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