The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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