can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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