After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
