Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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