my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
