Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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