You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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