Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
