I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
