We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
