Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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