you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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