ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
false alarm, still single
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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