so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I got inside last night via doggy door
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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