I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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