Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
