You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
there was a trapeze. enough said
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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