He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
