Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
